Barnabas Monkeypants

Kristen and I have written about Henry’s pants problem numerous times, but if you’re a new reader (ha! fooled you! like we get new readers), here’s the gist of it:

Henry’s tall, lankiness has made it difficult for his pants to stay up, and we’ve had to resort to rolling his pants at the waist to keep them up.

But here’s the thing. We were wrong.

You see, for the past couple of weeks, ever since he kicked his cold, Henry has been eating like a madman. And all that eating has made him get a little chubby again. (Never as chubby as when he was a baby, because that’s just too much and too precious and likely never repeatable in this or any lifetime.) His arms and legs have meat on them, and his stomach (especially after a big meal of pierogies and applesauce) is good and round.

And yet, his pants continue to slip down.

Now, I’m a scientist (in my own mind), and if you state a hypothesis (Henry’s too skinny) to get the reasons for a problem (why are his pants falling down) and said hypothesis becomes null and void (he’s not so skinny any more) and yet that problem is still happening, you’ve got to go back to the drawing board.

And that’s what I’ve done.

So I can confidently say that the reason for Henry’s pants problem is this: he has my butt.

I have many physical faults. My eyesight is terrible. I’m highly uncoordinated. I don’t digest dairy products particularly well. But my biggest fault is that I have a completely flat behind. If it weren’t for obvious anatomical characteristics, I doubt you could figure out where my back ends and my butt begins.

And Henry, poor, poor Henry, has inherited said butt.

This is going to cause many problems in the future for him (namely, it’s very difficult to get down on the dance floor while trying to shake something that just isn’t there), but it’s also causing problems now. Any and all pants, whether they’re buttoned or snapped, with elastic or without, all slowly creep off his person. It’s a tragedy.

I’m sorry, son. I’m so, so sorry for what I’ve brought upon you.

Can you ever forgive me?

This entry was posted on Friday, January 8th, 2010 at 1:33 pm and is filed under Barnabas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.