Barnabas Monkeypants

I have no entrepreneurial talent. My lone venture into doing something for myself business-wise was my failed comic book convention here in Chicago (which gave me no ends of gray hairs and sucked all of my savings down the drain).

But if I ever do start up a business again, I know exactly what I’d do. I’d start up a company that would work with sign companies to correct spelling and grammar before these things are manufactured. So, that flower shop down the road would not be Geneses Flower and Gift, but instead Genesis Flower and Gift. I mean, really, people. Spell check!

I’d also work with companies that not only manufacture products overseas but also print up the inserts and instructions. I mean, how many times have you bought something, pulled out the directions, and thought to yourself, “This is English, right? I mean, these are English words, but this makes no sense.”

I’m writing about this today because last weekend, Kristen got a knitting reeling machine. (It was given to her when someone saw her request on Free Cycle.) It’s a pretty cool contraption: it will help ball up yarn without all the tangling and cursing. (I do the tangling; Kristen does the cursing.) It’s made in Japan, and I’m not sure if it was just poorly translated or it was written out by someone who had very little grasp of the English language.

For your pleasure, here are the instructions, with all its wonderful incoherence. I have not changed anything. Enjoy.

Necessaries for Knitting

K.M. All-Powerful Reeling Machine

Main Features:

A) Being equipped with convenient metal connector, this tool is attachable to wherever you may wish, in the three directions – vertical or horizontal or diagonal. So there is no trouble at all like entangling of thread or yarn.

B) It is holding type, and made entirely of metal. The connector is of the utmost convenience and permanent use.

C) This reeling machine can be used for all kinds of thread or yarn. Because you can expand or contract it as the case demands, either for hand knitting thread of small reel or for woolen yarn of large reel.

D) The part where thread or yarn are reeled on is covered with vinyl. By this protection, thread or yarn never gets tangled or dirty.

E) This machine is also convenient for washing of old woolen yarn, as small or large reel is made at your will by the use of handle attached

F) Push the red button and adjust the size of machine-reel. Please.

Directions. When you open or shut it. please give it a slight swing. just as you do with your umbrella or parasol.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 4th, 2010 at 10:16 pm and is filed under Off Topic. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.